Our visit with JP went worse today than yesterday. It started off good and I had high hopes, but after about 45 minutes it went down hill. When they first brought him out he took two steps toward me and smiled. He played with his cars and toys and was pleasant. He seemed to be having fun.
So after a while I got out the apple juice and banana. He again did not want any part of either one. Dasha ate half the banana and drank apple juice from a sippy cup with a straw. She learned how to drink from the straw fast. She's doing really great.
JP got really upset when I put the piece of banana to his mouth. So I took it away and did not press the issue. About ten minutes later I tried to give him some apple juice and he smacked it away and screamed. I sat the sippy cup down so that he could touch it and hold it. I thought that if I let him get used to it that it might help. He liked looking at the juice in it and sloshing it around, but when I tried to get him to drink some of it he smacked my hand away and started crying. So I just put it away and diverted his attention to his toys. He played for a little while and then he started whining again. Soon the whining turned in to crying. I picked him up and put him in my lap. I tried to soothe and comfort him, but this made it worse. He started screaming at the top of his lungs. During this time he was also reaching for toys and throwing them. One of the caretakers finally came out and picked him up. She did the same things that I had already done to try to soothe him, but he kept screaming and crying. I have no idea why he was even crying. Nothing had happened that should have warranted it. He was fine playing with his toys after I tried to get him to drink the juice. So I don't think that was it. And I didn't pressure him to eat or drink. I just tried each one time. He fussed and refused it and I took it away. After the caretaker couldn't get him to calm down she took him away and put him in his crib and closed the door. I could still hear him screaming and crying outside and this went on for about 30 more minutes. I felt like I completely failed him. I felt so guilty listening to him scream and cry and not being able to do anything for him. I'm not so sure that I'm not the reason that he was crying. We didn't have a translator for me to be able to ask the caretaker if it is typical behavior for him. But by the look on her face it's not typical for him. I don't know what to do for this kid. Every day it seems to get worse and I don't know what to do. Today was the worst so far. I'm hoping and praying that tomorrow is better. We are going to go twice tomorrow during both visiting times. We want to see if it will help at all. I almost feel like he is overwhelmed by us. Maybe it's because he isn't used to getting attention. I don't know. If he is worse with two visits in one day then we will know to back off some. But it's hard to back off when he is supposed to come home with us full time soon. How overwhelmed will he be then?
It's been a long day. I'm going to walk home and go to bed.
Oh...Mandy, we are still using an internet cafe, but it is a different one. This is inside of the post office and it is in a safer area and it is well lit. So far it's better. I still don't have a way to upload pics and video though. They have the hard drives locked inside of cabinets.
Friday, July 4, 2008
Posted by kristynewb at Friday, July 04, 2008
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6 comments:
I am sorry it is so rough right now, Kara did not always want to be with us either. Often she would crawl away and stand with her back to us, so we would sit by her while she played. It took a few weeks for her to open up and really enjoy our visits. It was even harder that it was cld and we were confined to one room with few toys.
It will get better, he will open up to you once he learns to trust you.
Hey, Meredith again. I tried to call you but noone answered, Yulia sent me your ph#. We have the same issues with Emma- since the beginning- and we have finally made some progress with her. We've been home 4 months. Both of my kids still cry at the sight of a sippy cup. I don't have any great ideas for you while you're there to overcome it, but I would suggest that you not offer any food or drink to JP for a few visits. Give it to Dasha and don't offer it to him. I know this sounds mean, but that's the same way Emma acts when we give her food and she DOESN'T want it. She'll cry, throw her head back, scratch at herself, grind her teeth, and scream uncontrollably and noone can settle her. Sometimes I'd go lay her on the floor in the other room with her bottle and just let her be-- knowing that that's how the orphanage dealt with it- but still she wouldn't calm. I've found that massage, firm patting on her back and bouncing her, walking around, that type of thing helps her to 'snap out of it'. But still, we've had plenty of times where she's just not wanted to calm and there wasn't anything we were going to be able to do to calm her. On the other hand, she also won't let us hold her bottle while she's eating or she refuses to eat it. She prefers not to be held even while she eats. We've come a long way in breaking through some of that, but you won't be able to start breaking down these behaviors until at least a month after you're home and getting adjusted. At least that's what we found to be true.
It's hard when you feel like you're the cause of your child's stresses, especially since you said that's not his normal behavior, but remember that he's been institutionalized for his entire life and doesn't understand that you're caring for him. He sees it as a new environment- outside, new people- you and your husband, new foods- the banana, new I hav drinking mechanism- the cup. Too many new things will surely overload the little guy... and it's NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!
Think of the place that he is at. Think of what he's been through. I know you've heard this all before at some point, but he will be a DIFFERENT KID when he is home and has had time to adjust. I have two kids that have proven that and I've seen so many others that it holds true for.
My husband and I are praying for you and yours, and for JP and Dasha. PLEASE call me if you can, I sent my number to Yulia and then I'll Skype back to you. I'll try to call you in the morning here- it'll be afternoon there.
((HUGS))
Meredith and Michael
Kris and Meredith, thank you so much for posting. I've been praying that someone with experience could give some encouragement to Kristy.
And Kristy, I am sure praying for you guys too.
Kristy, I may be out of town right now, but I am still here watching and reading and praying for you. I know this is so hard....just hang in there, sister....you have a wealth of support and encouragement and wisdom in this RR family that you can lean on, outside of God :) These families have gone before you, have lived your anxiety and uncertainty, and are here to help you through it. Just hang in there!---Andrea Roberts, Reece's Rainbow DS Adoption Ministry
((((Kristy)))))
Bryce will sometimes do the same stubborn crap when he gets in one of his moods (the food throwing, grunting - remember his "hunger strike" while we were in Ukraine :) - it must be their way of communicating but it is downright frustrating!!
I've also noticed it is A LOT worse when he's not in his "typical" environment.
PLEASE do not take it personal - YOU and RICK are the best thing that has ever happened to that little boy.
Little Miss Dasha and all her sunshine sure can make it look easy huh? LOL Has she done the little "squint" thing yet?
I'm praying for you - I know this must be so hard.
Mandy
We adopted our daughter at age 26 months and crying was actually a sign that she was starting to bond with us. I know that sounds weird but so often the kids in the orphanage do not cry at all because they are not picked up when they do. So I know it is really hard - our daughter had her longest screaming session of 7 hours in Kyiv.
Suggest that you buy and read
Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft
This really helps to understand behaviour that seems counter-intuitive.
Take care and stay calm.
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